A few weeks ago, the Yankee chapter of the Pontiac-Oakland Club International held its annual party. My uncle usually organizes the event, and he asked me to write a humorous skit about cars. And that's how Car Wars: The Imperial Strikes Back was born. Without further ado:

Car Wars: The Imperial Strikes Back

Introduction: It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy.

Toy-yoda and Princess Karmann Kia have called a gathering with all the Superchief Starchiefs, and all the Jettas, including Lucas Skyliner, Princess Karmann Kia’s brother.

The Izuzu troopers, led by Darth Viper, have already destroyed the planets Studebaker, Packard, and Vector. In an attempt to save the universe from Imperial Control, the Rebel forces must attack and destroy the Plymouth Satellite, the base of Imperial operations. They are gathered at their temporary headquarters within the Chevy Nova. The meeting begins…

Toy-yoda: Jettas, thank you for risking your lives to attend this meeting. Princess Kia and I appreciate your support and raise our light Sables in your honor.

Princess Kia: Yes, thank you for coming. I have asked Harry’s Son Ford to join us on this mission. We will be traveling on his Falcon, while other fighters will use the battle-ready Starfire, Jetstar, and Jetfire. These are old mobiles, but they are all we have left after the attack on Vector.

A G6G8 TransAm radio sounds: “Delta 88, Delta 88 can you hear me! The Imperial troops have destroyed our defense Probe. We must leave headquarters. Commence Operation Tempest Now!

The bell sounds, and all the Jettas and Starchiefs ready for battle, donning their planetary gear. Princess Kia speaks to her brother Skyliner.

Princess Kia: Where is Ford? I thought he would be here by now.

Skyliner (sarcastically): He’s probably at the Universal Bar, chatting with the ladies.

Princess Kia: Stop it, Skylark.  He’ll be here.

Skyliner: Of course, he will. It’s a Ford Expedition. Heck, let’s be honest, it’s a Ford Galaxy –

Ford: That may be true, but I never ride solo.

Harry’s Son Ford pats Skyliner on the back.

Ford: Thanks for riding with us, Skyliner. Ready to see what my Falcon can do? Let’s put her into overdrive!

Skyliner: Just remember to focus, Ford. Focus! Don’t even glance at my sister.

Princess Kia: To infinity and beyond!

____________

During the journey, Princess Kia and Skyliner find themselves near the ship's porthole.

Skyliner: I really don't like Ford, Kia. He's shiftless, and he has no drive.

Kia sees Ford approaching them quickly. Kia: Skyliner --

Skyliner: No, Kia, stop defending him!

Kia: Skyliner --

Ford taps on Skyliner's shoulder. Ford: I think you're slipping a little, Skyliner.

Skyliner: I'm not the one who's useless in a clutch, Ford!

____________

The rebels travel past Mercury, Orion, and Taurus until they reach the Plymouth Satellite.

In an Adventura of a lifetime, the Jettas work together to destroy the Plymouth Satellite. In a stroke of luck, Saaba the Putt Putt is killed along with the Imperial Emperor. In a tense battle on the Satellite, Skyliner seatbelts the Emperor with his light Sable and the Emperor falls into deep space, but Darth Viper escapes in an Imperial Cruiser Wagon. Back at Headquarters, the Rebel forces celebrate.

Skyliner: I’m exhausted!

Toy-yoda: “There’s no explorer like Ford!”

Princess Kia: “It’s a Ford Fiesta!”

Ford kisses Kia.

Princess Kia: Oh, Ford, you Alfa Romeo!